MySELF again

Seeing my friend's post encourage me to write better in my blog as I'm usually go astray when writing something and frequently went out of the topic and said something insignificant and have no meaning at all.

To AmeeMera, thank you for your good blog posts.

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MYSELF

As in previous post, my name is still Hanis Sofea binti Osmera. People usually call me Hanis. Simple and I like it better than Sofea. I used to hate my name, Sofea because it sounds too elegant and is not suitable with my personality. Furthermore, my mom once said that Sofea means tenderness or in Malay, kelembutan which from my point of view is the opposite of me. I still remember one time when I have a younger brother I asked my mom why didn't I have a traditional nickname like angah or along because my friends have that kind of nickname at home. From then on, my family calls me Angah because I was born second. When I entered university, I started to introduce myself as Sofea because at first I thought there would be many people who have the name Hanis and I didn't want to be confused with them. I am also strict when it comes to calling Hanis. I want them to call me HAnis and not Anis. This is because when I was in Form 5, there was a classmate of mine with the name Anis and we're always confused when people miscall my name. Plus, I want to live by the name Sofea and wishes for me to be a bit, tender with everybody. Now, when people call me Hanis, I feel a little bit awkward and sometimes I feel lonely because that's what my schoolmates call me. Hanisu was derived from Hanis, but when it is written in Japanese.

I was born at 16th July 1993, in the Hospital Tengku Ampuan Rahimah, Klang, Selangor, around 10.30 a.m., Friday morning. My mom said when I was born my father missed the Friday prayer because he has to find a milk bottle since he forgot to bring them along. I was raised in different part of Selangor. My first home I recognise was in Petaling Jaya. When I was a baby, I lived around Subang. At that time, I was the last child of the family and I am what you will call as anak manja. No, not spoiled. I'm just manja especially with my mom. I will always hug her. When she sits and when she lies down, I will lie ontop of her while hugging her. Hahaha~
We will always go to Carrefour Subang (Mom do shopping there), Shah Alam Lake and the PKNS for a weekend family trip. Usually we eat though, at the McDonald. My brother and me will get toys from every trip and the toys we collected from back then can fit in a big bamboo basket (All were thrown when there are no more small child in my family and my mom thinks it’s a wasteful of space). My mom also said that she will take us to the PKNS McDonald in the night if my brother (and me, sometimes) wanted it so much. Sometimes when we arrived, the McDonald would be on the verge of closing time but we will still buy and eat outside. I still remember one of the night when that happens. I received my early kindergarten education here. I entered kindergarten at the age of 5 because I have to accompany my brother who is 6 at that time but he cannot speak very well. My mom sent me as his guardian in that kindergarten. I don't remember very much because I was still small at that time.

My second home and my third moving place was in Tanjung Karang. We moved when I was entering 6 years old and my brother was 7 years old. We moved urgently so I didn't get any certificate of attending kindergarten and I didn't finish my kindergarten too. During this time, my father loses his job at the Philip Factory so we moved in hopes of something new. This was during the Malaysia economy crisis. Tanjung Karang is also my father's place. He said he wanted to do some paddy farming at his village. My mom helped him buy the tools but in the end he didn't do anything and the paddy field was full with grass and weeds. My mom was very dissappointed. You can say this period is the depression period for my family especially my mother because she alone have to raise my brother and me and also my father (If it counts as raising him). Nearer to the end of this period, I got a pair of younger sisters! Yes, twins. One zygote twins or normally known as identical twins. Starting from this I learn how to be a sister and notably I learn how to fold clothes to help my mom in house works.

We moved again for the fourth time to Banting. This is my hometown now. We moved when I was entering 7 years old. I didn't get to finish my kindergarten again when we moved so I didn't have any certificates to verify that I've attend a kindergarten before. I attended Sekolah Kebangsaan Sri Langat. Moving to Banting was my mother's choice. She bought a house there for us to live and Banting is also her hometown. She was born and raised in Banting and she wishes to be nearer to her mother. My father got a job in Megasteel factory several years after we moved and my mother is a teacher at one of the secondary school in Banting. 

Moving to Banting was actually the starter of my depression personality. I felt very different from all of my schoolmates because I just moved to Banting. When I enter the class, they would talk with each other gleefully because they knew each other since they entered the same kindergarten in Banting. I was the odd in the class because I attend a different kindergarten and I didn’t make any actual friends during my time in kindergarten or rather in my early childhood. But of course, when I first enter the school I didn’t really felt that way. I started to feel very different when I learn to think about myself and my surroundings. About how different I felt when my classmates start to chat about their kindergarten friends and memories and I can’t chat together because I don’t have any close friends in kindergarten and I attend a different one. I didn’t make any close friend until I was 11-12 years old. I start to have two close friends during that time and it started when we were seated together in class. This relationship however doesn’t hold long when we grow up and when my depression hightens. I don’t know why but the differences I felt when surrounded by my classmates since I was 7 years old was brought up until I was 14.

Childhood memories are supposed to be the best memories of a person because of the friends they made but this is not the case for me. Childhood for me; holds the source of sadness and the depression in me. Even though I said I made two close friends but during that time I always question myself,

“Are they really my close friend?” “What if they have other person that is closer to them and I’m actually not their close friend at all?” “What if I’m the only one feeling this way?” “What if…”

These questions haunt me over and over and over. This is due to me not being able to keep in touch with them after the school ends. My house is far from others, far from where my schoolmates live and I wasn’t allowed to go out to play even though I have a bicycle which I use to go to school. Trapped inside my home, not being able to socialise makes me a total opposite of what I am in my early childhood. I smile less and less and I hate almost everything and sometimes I cried when I was alone, when I remember that I’m different from anybody else.

I attended Sekolah Menengah Kebangsaan Banting for my secondary level of education and that’s also where my mom teaches. I commuted with my mom every day to school. It was being in this school I began to open my heart bit by bit but not until I was 15 years old that I began to open up more widely to people. I began drawing when I was 13 and that’s how I overcome the loneliness I felt at home. I don’t care about others and keep improving my manga drawing skill (Manga is comic in Japanese) and I live with my hobby because I was at home all the time. No outside activity. I adopted my hobby also due to the time I spend at home; I spend them to watch the television, specifically to watch the cartoons. I also read Japanese romance graphic novels that was translated to Malay. Many of my friends felt that I was childish compared to them. Even my mom said I was childish because I like to watch cartoon. But for me, to keep myself entertained and not that depressed was to watch cartoons and forget that I’m alone. I guess it’s my way of running from reality.

I started to have a best friend when I was 16. She shares the same hobby as me, watching cartoons from Japan and reading comics and she likes my drawing. We often listen to each other and chat with each other. When I was 16 also, I began to open up with more friends but all of them either are friendly to me or have the same hobby as me; reading graphic novels and watching cartoons.

Now.

Being in the university changes me a bit. I spend less time watching cartoons and reading comics but I still love them because they are my passion. How long will it be my passion, I don't know. Maybe forever. Maybe until I started working. My personality? Nothing much changes except for the fact that I become less depressed because I am used to being alone. I keep my mind from thinking about it too and I have found some friends here too. Different friends with different personality but I like and love them all. I wish to myself that this me will not change to worse again but for a better me.